1 00:00:40,053 --> 00:00:42,764 You look smart, Mr Blackadder. Going somewhere nice? 2 00:00:43,014 --> 00:00:46,643 - No, I'm off to the theatre. - Don't you like it, then? 3 00:00:46,893 --> 00:00:53,275 No, I don't! A lot of stupid actors strutting around shouting, with their chests thrust out so far, 4 00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:57,153 you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants! 5 00:00:57,362 --> 00:01:01,199 And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain! 6 00:01:01,449 --> 00:01:03,410 - Doesn't he like it, either? - He loves it. 7 00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:06,121 The problem is that he doesn't realise it's made up. 8 00:01:06,329 --> 00:01:10,375 Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince yelled out, 9 00:01:10,625 --> 00:01:13,170 "Look behind you, Mr Caesar!" 10 00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:19,092 I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence - I get enough of that at home. 11 00:01:19,342 --> 00:01:22,470 Except for the sex, of course. 12 00:01:22,721 --> 00:01:28,810 I want you to give this palace a good clean. It's so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetle 13 00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:33,231 that had lost interest in its career and really let itself go. 14 00:01:33,481 --> 00:01:35,692 Come on, Blackadder, or we'll miss the first act! 15 00:01:35,942 --> 00:01:39,237 Coming, sir, as fast as I can! 16 00:01:39,487 --> 00:01:42,032 Stick the kettle on, Baldrick. 17 00:01:42,282 --> 00:01:48,955 Now, sir, give I this advice to thee: Never, never, never trust thine enemy. 18 00:01:49,206 --> 00:01:50,373 Agh! 19 00:01:50,624 --> 00:01:55,587 Aaaaaagh! 20 00:01:59,049 --> 00:02:02,802 Thy life is forfeit, sir... Aaagh... 21 00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:10,936 Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end, like our poor play. 22 00:02:11,144 --> 00:02:14,189 We hope it pleased you, friends. 23 00:02:14,439 --> 00:02:19,027 Certainly not, you murdering rotter! Guards, arrest that man! 24 00:02:19,277 --> 00:02:23,865 - Your Highness, it's only a play. - What about the poor fellow who's dead? 25 00:02:24,115 --> 00:02:28,828 Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe the little ones he leaves behind. Call the militia! 26 00:02:29,079 --> 00:02:32,833 Sir, he's not dead. See, he stands, awaiting your applause. 27 00:02:33,083 --> 00:02:36,461 Oh, I say, that's very clever. He really isn't dead. 28 00:02:36,670 --> 00:02:39,506 Bravo! Bravo! 29 00:02:40,131 --> 00:02:45,387 - Blast, the Prince likes it! - Shit, we'll close tonight. 30 00:02:45,595 --> 00:02:49,641 Work for the weavers! Smash the Spinning Jenny! 31 00:02:49,891 --> 00:02:54,688 Burn the Rolling Rosalind! Destroy the Going Up and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude! 32 00:02:54,938 --> 00:02:57,899 And death to the stupid Prince who grows fat on the profits! 33 00:02:58,149 --> 00:03:03,822 I say, how exciting! This play's getting better and better! Bravo! 34 00:03:04,072 --> 00:03:08,326 It's not a play any more, sir. 35 00:03:08,577 --> 00:03:12,998 Put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit. 36 00:03:13,248 --> 00:03:18,753 Blackadder, your problem is, you can't tell when something's real and when it's not. 37 00:03:20,255 --> 00:03:23,383 I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave. 38 00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:30,515 Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill "you"? 39 00:03:30,974 --> 00:03:36,229 - I think it might've been you he was after, sir. - Hogwash! What on earth makes you say that? 40 00:03:36,479 --> 00:03:42,402 Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "Death to the stupid Prince". 41 00:03:42,652 --> 00:03:44,404 It was a bit rude, wasn't it? 42 00:03:44,654 --> 00:03:49,618 These are volatile times, Your Highness. The American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, 43 00:03:49,868 --> 00:03:54,915 the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, 44 00:03:55,165 --> 00:03:58,793 although that might be something to do with the sausages. 45 00:03:59,044 --> 00:04:04,799 The whole world cries out, "Peace, freedom, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie". 46 00:04:05,050 --> 00:04:08,220 Well, yes, quite, something must be done. Any ideas? 47 00:04:08,470 --> 00:04:12,682 Yes, sir. Next week is your royal father's birthday celebrations. 48 00:04:12,891 --> 00:04:16,645 I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite, 49 00:04:16,853 --> 00:04:22,025 to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are. 50 00:04:22,275 --> 00:04:25,487 Tell me about these "oppressed masses", what are they so worked up about? 51 00:04:25,695 --> 00:04:27,572 Because they are so poor, 52 00:04:27,781 --> 00:04:34,162 they are forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas. 53 00:04:36,248 --> 00:04:43,421 Disease and depravation stalk our land like... two giant stalking things. 54 00:04:43,421 --> 00:04:48,802 - And the working man is poised to overthrow us. - Oh my God, and here he is! 55 00:04:49,052 --> 00:04:54,182 - Don't be silly, sir. That's Baldrick, my dogsbody. - He looks like an oppressed mass to me. 56 00:04:54,432 --> 00:04:57,853 - Get him out of here at once! - Shoo, Baldrick, carry on cleaning elsewhere. 57 00:04:58,103 --> 00:05:04,025 By the end of tonight, I want that dining table so clean I can eat my dinner off it. 58 00:05:05,193 --> 00:05:08,363 Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here. 59 00:05:08,613 --> 00:05:12,576 The sooner I can show how unusually sensitive I am, the better. 60 00:05:12,826 --> 00:05:16,872 - Oh, I just had another brilliant thought. - Another one, Your Highness? 61 00:05:17,122 --> 00:05:19,124 Yes, another one, actually! 62 00:05:19,374 --> 00:05:24,629 You remember that one I had about wearing underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills? 63 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:30,218 Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight to teach me how to recite your speech? 64 00:05:30,468 --> 00:05:32,929 - Brilliant, eh? - No, Your Highness, feeble. 65 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:34,472 What? 66 00:05:34,723 --> 00:05:37,267 I would advise against it. It's a feeble idea. 67 00:05:37,475 --> 00:05:41,563 Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder! Get them here at once! 68 00:05:41,813 --> 00:05:44,858 I'm fed up with you treating me as if I'm some kind of thickie. 69 00:05:45,108 --> 00:05:49,613 It's not me that's thick, it's you! I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler. 70 00:05:49,863 --> 00:05:57,078 Now go and get those actors here this minute, Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky. 71 00:06:04,961 --> 00:06:10,258 - Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors. - Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B. 72 00:06:10,509 --> 00:06:15,388 There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here than there are buns. 73 00:06:15,639 --> 00:06:20,560 All my lovely actors pop in on their way to rehearsals for a little cup of coffee 74 00:06:20,769 --> 00:06:23,230 and a big dollop of inspiration. 75 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:29,819 You mean they actually rehearse? I thought they got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck. 76 00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:37,577 Oh, no! There's ever so much hard work that goes into the wonderful magic that is theatre today. 77 00:06:37,827 --> 00:06:44,835 Still I don't expect you'd know much about that, being only a little butler. 78 00:06:45,252 --> 00:06:49,798 They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. 79 00:06:50,048 --> 00:06:57,639 They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head. 80 00:06:57,764 --> 00:07:01,810 Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick. 81 00:07:02,018 --> 00:07:06,773 - And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop. - Hurrah! Gentlemen, gentlemen! 82 00:07:06,982 --> 00:07:10,569 Settle down, settle down, settle down. I'm sorry, no autographs. 83 00:07:10,819 --> 00:07:14,364 - The usual, Mrs M. - Coming up, my lovely. 84 00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:19,828 Well, if I can just squeeze through this admiring rabble. 85 00:07:20,453 --> 00:07:22,998 Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition. 86 00:07:23,248 --> 00:07:28,003 How dare you, sir. You think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone. 87 00:07:28,253 --> 00:07:31,298 I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone. 88 00:07:31,506 --> 00:07:36,469 I come here on behalf of my employer, to ask for some elocution lessons. 89 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:42,893 I fear, sir, that is quite impossible. We are in the middle of rehearsing our new play. 90 00:07:43,143 --> 00:07:47,063 We could not possibly betray our beloved audience by taking time off. 91 00:07:47,272 --> 00:07:52,944 Oh no, mustn't upset the punters. Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats. 92 00:07:53,153 --> 00:07:55,947 And what play is this? 93 00:07:56,156 --> 00:07:58,533 It is a piece we penned ourselves, 94 00:07:58,783 --> 00:08:06,208 called "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife". 95 00:08:06,458 --> 00:08:09,252 A philosophical work, then. 96 00:08:09,503 --> 00:08:11,004 Indeed yes, sir. 97 00:08:11,254 --> 00:08:17,344 The violence of the murder and the vastness of the bosom are entirely justified artistically. 98 00:08:17,594 --> 00:08:20,722 - Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it. - Prince? 99 00:08:20,972 --> 00:08:25,268 Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that? It's the Prince Regent. Shame you can't make it. 100 00:08:25,519 --> 00:08:28,605 No, no, no, please, no. Please wait, sir. 101 00:08:28,855 --> 00:08:30,524 Off, off! 102 00:08:30,774 --> 00:08:36,238 - I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick. - Definitely, Mr Mossop. 103 00:08:36,446 --> 00:08:39,115 No, you've got your beloved audience to think about. 104 00:08:39,324 --> 00:08:45,121 - Sod the proles! We'll come. - Yes, worthless bastards to a man. 105 00:08:45,330 --> 00:08:49,751 It's nice to see artistic integrity thriving so strongly in the acting community. 106 00:08:50,001 --> 00:08:53,588 This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace. 107 00:08:56,007 --> 00:09:00,595 - Well, what do you think? - Are you ill or something? 108 00:09:00,846 --> 00:09:03,431 No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor. 109 00:09:03,682 --> 00:09:07,269 - I'm sure you don't need the false moustache. - No? 110 00:09:07,519 --> 00:09:10,230 Ow! 111 00:09:10,355 --> 00:09:14,651 Egads, it's that oppressed mass again! 112 00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:17,946 That is Baldrick spring cleaning. 113 00:09:18,196 --> 00:09:19,489 Oh yes, so it is. 114 00:09:19,698 --> 00:09:23,743 - Finish the job later, Baldrick. - The cleaning or the being strangled? 115 00:09:23,994 --> 00:09:27,539 Either suits me. 116 00:09:28,123 --> 00:09:33,253 This is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it? Are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows? 117 00:09:33,461 --> 00:09:38,675 Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar, and one of them was his best friend Brutus. 118 00:09:38,925 --> 00:09:46,725 As I've told you about eight times, the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp. 119 00:09:46,975 --> 00:09:48,560 - Really? - Yes. 120 00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:53,273 Thundering gherkins! Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out. 121 00:09:53,523 --> 00:09:54,941 What? 122 00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:58,737 That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, just some poxy actor called Kemp. 123 00:09:58,945 --> 00:10:02,115 Do you think he went to Caesar's place after the play and killed him then? 124 00:10:02,365 --> 00:10:05,911 Oh, God, it's pathetic! 125 00:10:11,124 --> 00:10:15,420 - Is that the door? - Don't worry, it's just the actors. 126 00:10:15,837 --> 00:10:21,301 My uncle Baldrick was in a play once. It was called Macbeth. 127 00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:26,973 - And what did he play? - Second codpiece. 128 00:10:27,224 --> 00:10:30,936 Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes. 129 00:10:31,186 --> 00:10:36,483 So he was a stunt codpiece? 130 00:10:37,192 --> 00:10:41,821 Did he have a large part? 131 00:10:43,823 --> 00:10:46,409 Depends who's playing Macbeth. 132 00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:49,913 Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious. 133 00:10:50,121 --> 00:10:54,292 On no account mention the word "Macbeth" this evening, all right? 134 00:10:54,543 --> 00:10:57,212 It brings them bad luck and it makes them very unhappy. 135 00:10:57,462 --> 00:11:01,675 - Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either? - No. 136 00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:05,846 Well, not very often. 137 00:11:06,096 --> 00:11:07,973 You should have knocked. 138 00:11:08,223 --> 00:11:14,229 Our knocks, impertinent butler, were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell. 139 00:11:14,479 --> 00:11:18,859 - Lead on, McDuff. - I shall. 140 00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:26,741 Lest you continue in your quotation and mention the name of the Scottish play. 141 00:11:26,992 --> 00:11:30,787 Never fear, I shan't do that. 142 00:11:31,037 --> 00:11:35,208 By the Scottish play, I assume you mean Macbeth. 143 00:11:35,417 --> 00:11:39,337 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 144 00:11:39,588 --> 00:11:43,592 - What was that? - We were exorcising evil spirits. 145 00:11:43,842 --> 00:11:47,679 Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition 146 00:11:47,929 --> 00:11:51,850 that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play. 147 00:11:52,058 --> 00:11:53,935 What, Macbeth? 148 00:11:54,144 --> 00:11:57,355 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 149 00:11:57,606 --> 00:12:00,859 You mean you have to do that every time I say "Macbeth"? 150 00:12:01,109 --> 00:12:05,989 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 151 00:12:06,239 --> 00:12:11,286 Will you please stop saying that! Always call it "the Scottish play". 152 00:12:11,536 --> 00:12:13,580 - You want me to say "the Scottish Play"? - Yes! 153 00:12:13,788 --> 00:12:15,665 Rather than "Macbeth"? 154 00:12:15,916 --> 00:12:19,002 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 155 00:12:19,252 --> 00:12:23,924 For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo, all this shouting and yelling blue murder? 156 00:12:24,174 --> 00:12:26,885 It's like that play we saw the other day, what was it called? 157 00:12:27,135 --> 00:12:28,428 Macbeth, sir. 158 00:12:28,678 --> 00:12:32,599 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 159 00:12:32,849 --> 00:12:37,938 - No, no, it was called Julius Caesar. - Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar. 160 00:12:38,188 --> 00:12:39,689 Not Macbeth. 161 00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:44,444 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 162 00:12:44,694 --> 00:12:49,908 - Are you sure you want these people to stay? - I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler. 163 00:12:50,116 --> 00:12:54,204 Your Royal Highness, may I say what a great honour it is to be invited? 164 00:12:54,454 --> 00:12:56,248 - Why certainly. - Thank you. 165 00:12:56,498 --> 00:12:59,584 What a great honour it is to be invited here 166 00:12:59,835 --> 00:13:05,590 to make merry, in the halls of our King's loins' most glorious outpouring. 167 00:13:05,799 --> 00:13:07,050 Ugh! 168 00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:10,887 Now, Your Highness, shall we begin straight away? 169 00:13:11,137 --> 00:13:14,599 - Now, I've got this... - Before we inspect the script, 170 00:13:14,850 --> 00:13:18,728 let us have a look at stance. 171 00:13:18,979 --> 00:13:23,400 The ordinary fellow stands like, well, as you do now. 172 00:13:23,608 --> 00:13:28,280 Whereas your hero... stands thus. 173 00:13:28,488 --> 00:13:31,241 Right, sort of like this... 174 00:13:31,449 --> 00:13:34,452 Excellent, Your Highness. Even more so... 175 00:13:34,703 --> 00:13:37,247 Like that? 176 00:13:40,792 --> 00:13:44,004 - What was that noise? - It wasn't me. 177 00:13:44,212 --> 00:13:47,007 We are used to standing in this position. 178 00:13:49,134 --> 00:13:52,512 It came from over here. 179 00:13:52,762 --> 00:13:54,764 - Anarchist! - Cleaner! 180 00:13:54,973 --> 00:13:59,102 So you've had a wash, that's no excuse! 181 00:13:59,352 --> 00:14:03,190 - That is Baldrick spring cleaning. - But look, he's got a bomb! 182 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,443 It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge. 183 00:14:06,651 --> 00:14:12,157 So it is. Get it out of here at once before it explodes. 184 00:14:12,407 --> 00:14:15,577 Now, stance. I'm sorry about that. I think we really had something there. 185 00:14:15,827 --> 00:14:21,917 Yes, Your Highness. Your very posture tells me "Here is a man of true greatness". 186 00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:26,796 Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them". 187 00:14:27,964 --> 00:14:34,221 Sir, I really must ask that this ill-educated oaf be removed from the room. 188 00:14:34,471 --> 00:14:41,394 Get out! Your presence here is as useful as fine bone china at a tea-party for drunken elephants. 189 00:14:41,645 --> 00:14:45,982 Is that right? Well, yes, get out Blackadder, and stop corking our juices. 190 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:51,112 Certainly, Your Highness. I'll leave you to dribble in private. 191 00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:57,077 - Something wrong, Mr B? - I've had it up to here with that Prince. 192 00:14:57,327 --> 00:15:00,997 - One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice. - Does that mean I'll be butler? 193 00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:08,255 Not unless some kindly surgeon cuts your head open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it. 194 00:15:08,505 --> 00:15:14,010 I don't know why I put up with it. Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party 195 00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:19,599 I have to wear the red nose for winning the "Who's got the stupidest master" competition. 196 00:15:19,850 --> 00:15:22,853 All I can say is, he'd better watch out! 197 00:15:23,103 --> 00:15:27,566 One more foot wrong and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk-jug. 198 00:15:27,816 --> 00:15:33,488 - But that milk-jug isn't broken. - You really do walk into these things. 199 00:15:39,119 --> 00:15:42,831 Excellent. And now, sir, at last, the speech. 200 00:15:43,039 --> 00:15:45,834 Right. 201 00:15:47,210 --> 00:15:52,591 No, Your Royal Highness. What have you forgotten? 202 00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:55,177 If I stand any more heroically than this, 203 00:15:55,427 --> 00:15:59,389 I'm in danger of seriously disappointing my future Queen. 204 00:15:59,639 --> 00:16:04,394 No, Your Highness, not the stance, the "roar". 205 00:16:04,644 --> 00:16:08,148 - You want me to roar? - Of course we wish you to roar. 206 00:16:08,398 --> 00:16:14,070 All great orators roar before commencing their speeches. It is the way of things. 207 00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:18,283 Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please. 208 00:16:19,534 --> 00:16:27,375 Ooooooo, to be or not to be. 209 00:16:27,876 --> 00:16:30,962 From your Julius Caesar. 210 00:16:31,171 --> 00:16:39,304 Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen... 211 00:16:39,554 --> 00:16:43,934 From your leading character, in a play connected with Scotland. 212 00:16:44,142 --> 00:16:46,895 That's Macbeth, isn't it? 213 00:16:47,103 --> 00:16:51,983 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 214 00:16:56,863 --> 00:17:02,786 Let's all roar together, shall we? One, two, three... 215 00:17:03,036 --> 00:17:07,332 Oooooooo! 216 00:17:07,541 --> 00:17:14,422 Excellent, Your Highness. Now, shall we try putting it all together? 217 00:17:16,049 --> 00:17:20,470 Rooooaaarr! Unaccustomed as I am... 218 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,057 No, no, no. 219 00:17:24,808 --> 00:17:30,772 Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree. 220 00:17:31,022 --> 00:17:35,944 May I see the speech? 221 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:47,998 Who wrote this drivel? 222 00:17:49,916 --> 00:17:53,837 Is there a problem with the speech? 223 00:17:54,087 --> 00:17:58,508 Well, yes, there is a problem, actually. The problem is that you wrote it, 224 00:17:58,717 --> 00:18:05,557 Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly- Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed! 225 00:18:09,352 --> 00:18:12,480 Whoops! 226 00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:17,152 Shall I get their supper, sir? 227 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:21,448 Yes, preferably something that has first passed through the digestive system of the cat. 228 00:18:21,698 --> 00:18:24,743 - And you'll have to take it up yourself. - Why? 229 00:18:24,993 --> 00:18:29,998 Because I'm leaving, Baldrick. I'm about to enter the job market. 230 00:18:30,207 --> 00:18:34,669 Right, let's see. Situations vacant: 231 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:41,510 Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament. 232 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:46,473 Some fellow called George Stevenson has invented a moving kettle, 233 00:18:46,723 --> 00:18:51,228 wants someone to help with the marketing. Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here. 234 00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:55,857 Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, 235 00:18:56,107 --> 00:19:00,862 wanted to be King of Sardinia. No time wasters, please. 236 00:19:01,112 --> 00:19:09,079 Apply to: Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris. Right! We're on our way! 237 00:19:10,622 --> 00:19:15,085 Oh, sir, about costume... Any thoughts? 238 00:19:15,335 --> 00:19:19,339 Well, enormous trousers, certainly, 239 00:19:19,589 --> 00:19:26,012 and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, because we know what all the nice girls love, don't we? 240 00:19:26,137 --> 00:19:29,975 I'll tell you what, why don't I go and try them on for you? 241 00:19:30,183 --> 00:19:36,731 Help yourselves to wine. You'll need a stiff drink when you see the size of these damn trousers. 242 00:19:36,815 --> 00:19:40,402 - Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening! - You're so right, love. 243 00:19:40,652 --> 00:19:43,989 Look, while he's gone, why don't we have a quick read-through of 244 00:19:44,239 --> 00:19:47,242 "The Murder of Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"? 245 00:19:47,492 --> 00:19:49,578 Act 1, Scene 1? 246 00:19:49,786 --> 00:19:54,958 "Spring has come, with all its gentle showers. Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death." 247 00:19:55,208 --> 00:20:00,881 Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship. 248 00:20:01,131 --> 00:20:02,591 Ah, thank you, Mr B. 249 00:20:02,841 --> 00:20:05,969 But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie. 250 00:20:06,219 --> 00:20:12,184 I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, "Sod off", and if I ever meet you again, 251 00:20:12,392 --> 00:20:16,062 it'll be twenty billion years too soon. 252 00:20:16,313 --> 00:20:21,484 Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard. 253 00:20:26,448 --> 00:20:31,077 I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. 254 00:20:31,328 --> 00:20:36,208 I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me. 255 00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:40,587 Come on, Mr B, it's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it? 256 00:20:40,837 --> 00:20:42,964 Hope springs eternal, Baldrick. 257 00:20:45,383 --> 00:20:47,511 Coming! 258 00:20:47,761 --> 00:20:52,974 - Let's kill the Prince. - Who shall strike first? 259 00:20:53,225 --> 00:20:59,189 Let me, and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball 260 00:20:59,439 --> 00:21:04,861 and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly. 261 00:21:05,111 --> 00:21:07,405 Have you the stomach? 262 00:21:07,614 --> 00:21:10,951 I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do, 263 00:21:11,201 --> 00:21:15,330 I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, 264 00:21:15,580 --> 00:21:20,460 and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue. 265 00:21:20,710 --> 00:21:24,714 What if a servant should hear us in our plotting? 266 00:21:24,965 --> 00:21:30,679 Then shall we have servant sausages for tea. 267 00:21:30,929 --> 00:21:36,726 And servant rissoles shall our supper be. 268 00:21:36,935 --> 00:21:40,564 Murder! Murder! The Revolution's started! 269 00:21:40,814 --> 00:21:43,066 - What?! - A plot, a plot to kill you! 270 00:21:43,316 --> 00:21:47,195 Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you, you bloody little poor person. 271 00:21:47,445 --> 00:21:50,240 Not me - the actors downstairs, they're anarchists! 272 00:21:50,490 --> 00:21:55,036 I heard them plotting. They're gonna poke out your liver, turn me into rissole, 273 00:21:55,287 --> 00:21:58,290 and then suck on your exquisite floppily-doppilies. 274 00:21:58,540 --> 00:22:01,001 - What are we going to do? - Mr Blackadder says, 275 00:22:01,251 --> 00:22:03,879 "when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table". 276 00:22:04,129 --> 00:22:08,300 - Blackadder, of course! Where is he? - He's in Sardinia. 277 00:22:08,508 --> 00:22:11,428 - What? Why? - You were rude to him, so he left. 278 00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:17,225 Oh no! What a mad, blundering, incredibly handsome young nincompoop I've been. 279 00:22:17,434 --> 00:22:22,063 What are we to do? If we go downstairs, they'll chop us up and eat us alive. 280 00:22:22,272 --> 00:22:25,275 We're doomed, doomed! 281 00:22:35,911 --> 00:22:37,787 Good evening, Your Highness. 282 00:22:37,996 --> 00:22:42,250 Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick. You owe me a groat. 283 00:22:42,501 --> 00:22:45,670 Thank God you're here! We desperately need you! 284 00:22:45,879 --> 00:22:50,217 Who, me, sir? Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky-Adder-Thicky? 285 00:22:50,467 --> 00:22:51,718 Oh tish! 286 00:22:51,968 --> 00:22:54,554 Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly- Can't-Write-For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed? 287 00:22:54,804 --> 00:22:55,805 Yes, well... 288 00:22:56,056 --> 00:23:00,185 Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight? 289 00:23:00,435 --> 00:23:03,021 Take an extra thousand... 290 00:23:03,271 --> 00:23:05,398 ...guineas per month? 291 00:23:05,607 --> 00:23:07,817 All right. What's your problem? 292 00:23:08,068 --> 00:23:11,780 The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists! They intend to kill us all! 293 00:23:12,030 --> 00:23:15,784 - What, are they going to bore us to death? - No, stab us! Baldrick overheard them. 294 00:23:16,034 --> 00:23:18,245 - Are you sure they meant it, sir? - Quite sure. 295 00:23:18,495 --> 00:23:20,664 - How far apart were their legs? - This far. 296 00:23:20,914 --> 00:23:22,707 - And their nipples? - That far. 297 00:23:22,958 --> 00:23:25,377 - They meant it, all right. - All right, sir, I'll see what I can do. 298 00:23:25,627 --> 00:23:28,421 To torture him, I lust. 299 00:23:28,672 --> 00:23:32,884 Let's singe his hair, and up his nostrils... 300 00:23:33,093 --> 00:23:36,596 ...hot bananas thrust. 301 00:23:37,806 --> 00:23:40,433 - Rehearsals going well, gentlemen? - Begone! 302 00:23:40,684 --> 00:23:45,313 A mere butler with the intellectual capacity of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us. 303 00:23:45,564 --> 00:23:53,196 Indeed yes, sir. Your participation is as irritating as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas. 304 00:23:53,446 --> 00:23:57,784 Well, in that case, I won't interrupt you any longer. 305 00:23:58,034 --> 00:24:01,872 Sorry to disturb, gentlemen. 306 00:24:02,581 --> 00:24:06,376 Blackadder, thank God you're safe! Well, what happened? 307 00:24:06,626 --> 00:24:10,630 Sir, there was no need to panic. It was all perfectly straightforward. 308 00:24:10,881 --> 00:24:17,053 They're traitors, sir. They must be arrested, brutally tortured and executed forthwith. 309 00:24:17,262 --> 00:24:20,098 Bravo! 310 00:24:20,348 --> 00:24:23,935 But Your Highness, there's been a terrible mistake. 311 00:24:24,144 --> 00:24:26,479 That's what they were bound to say, sir. 312 00:24:26,730 --> 00:24:31,902 It was a play, sir, a play! Look, all the words you heard were written down on that page. 313 00:24:32,152 --> 00:24:37,199 Text book stuff again, you see. The criminals' vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake. 314 00:24:37,449 --> 00:24:43,121 Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy printed and published in plain manuscript. 315 00:24:43,371 --> 00:24:47,417 - Take them away! - Mercy, we beg for mercy! 316 00:24:47,626 --> 00:24:50,420 I have got only one thing to say to you... Macbeth! 317 00:24:50,629 --> 00:24:55,342 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. 318 00:24:55,550 --> 00:24:58,470 Well done, Bladder! How can I ever thank you? 319 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:02,390 You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir. Macbeth! 320 00:25:02,641 --> 00:25:06,269 Of course, Bladder. No sooner said than done. No hard feelings? 321 00:25:06,478 --> 00:25:12,234 No, sir. It's good to be back in the saddle. Did I say saddle? I meant harness. 322 00:25:12,484 --> 00:25:16,655 Bravo! So we're the best of friends as ever we were. Hurrah! 323 00:25:16,905 --> 00:25:20,408 In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keanrick have got their comeuppance, 324 00:25:20,659 --> 00:25:25,831 the Drury Lane Theatre is free. I thought we might celebrate by staging a little play that I've written. 325 00:25:26,039 --> 00:25:31,169 Excellent idea! And with my new-found acting skills, might there be a part in it for me? 326 00:25:31,419 --> 00:25:33,797 I was hoping that you might play the title role. 327 00:25:34,005 --> 00:25:36,800 What a roaringly good idea! What's the play called? 328 00:25:37,008 --> 00:25:42,931 "Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes" 329 00:25:43,181 --> 00:25:46,393 Excellent!